These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
