How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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