She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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