You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Randomize
