i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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