You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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