Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
