Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
