Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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