she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
