I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
