He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
