Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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