I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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