im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
I just gift wrapped bread.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Success! We fucked roommates!
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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