??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
