I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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