turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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