our cab driver is having phone sex.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
