hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
