Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
