I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
