I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
