Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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