At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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