you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
