The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Randomize
