Im at strip club and am horny
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
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