The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
