Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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