i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Randomize
