I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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