Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
