then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
someone owes me an orgasm
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
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