We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
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