My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
