If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
