You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
