I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
