are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
