The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
