We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
