is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
