I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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