I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
