Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
