70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
