It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
