Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Randomize
