The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You made out with two different species that night
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
