just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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