There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
